Grrrr!

I'm pretty angry with myself right now. I've been consciously working on being 'in the moment' so as not to worry myself to death like I usually do. I'm quite the worrywort apparently and experiencing a short string of happy, carefree days had me a bit spoiled. But now I can't even begin to slow my brain down! The worst part is that I'm just recycling the same crappy thoughts. There's nothing new that I'm worrying about, just a resurrection of one particular worry that I thought I had gotten rid of for a little while. It's ridiculous. It's not even important. I'm just making shit up in my mind. Oddball scenarios that are probably not even true. And my playing this situation over and over a million times in a row is not helping me overcome the fear that drives it. I'm only reinforcing the very attitudes and behaviors in which my worry is rooted. But hopefully my typing this will help me confront it in my mind. See it for what it is. It's just a thought. A thought that I can let go of.

My commute home will be the real test. It's a nice, long drive without much distraction. Very conducive to meditation (eyes open, of course).

Heebie Jeebies

So I'm walking up to a Coke machine at work and I see this single butterfly wing laying on the floor. I see this sort of thing all the time; there are tons of butterflies and bugs around here and they don't all live happily ever after. Before I drop in my two quarters, one dime and one nickel into the machine (what a rip off, right?) I decide that I need a single butterfly wing on my desk so I went to examine it more closely. I was certain a rogue butterfly wing would've entertained me for at least a few hours, possibly well into next week. Shiny, pretty things are so attractive to my easily distracted mind.

In order to avoid damaging what remained of one poor fluttering soul, I attempt to pick up the wing by the region that was once closest to the butterfly's body. Surely that part was much stronger than the brightly colored and delicate looking edge. I couldn't grasp it on my first attempt and it sort of jumped away from my finger. It might have only moved a few fractions of an inch but this was enough to make me rethink claiming this object of beauty as my own. I knew that it was dead and that it couldn't possibly do anything to me but I was still a bit sketched out by it. I, of course, brushed off my trepidation as weakness and tried again to grap the little wing. I was met with the same minute movement and I again reacted with slight disgust and surprise.

Why would this lovely scrap of whatever butterfly wings are made of not allow me to relocate it to a safer, cleaner place where it could provide joy and beauty to me even after the death of the one that formerly bore it? 'One last attempt,' I thought to myself, 'I will try one more time to pick up that damned wing.' I quickly mustered up the gumption and reached out for my precious, shimmering prize but it jumped quite a bit further than it had previously. I have no idea why but this sent shivers up my spine, literally. I did the little dance I do whenever I get grossed out (you know the one, where you make that grimace of a face and your whole body sort of convulses slightly while you jump around much like this butterfly wing had done), amd then looked around to be sure no one had seen any of what had transpired during the last 20 seconds or so. After determining that my failed attempt would remain a secret, I proceeded to insert my coins into the Coke machine.

Movin' on up

"Movin' on up, to the east side, to that deluxe apartment in the sky." Too bad we didn't choose the upstairs apartment instead of the garden apartment; that song would've fit perfectly. But we both love the new apartment. I've got it pretty much all feng shui'ed out and we're working on getting everything picked up and put away. "A place for everything and everything in its place." I've always loved that saying but I can be a bit anal when it comes to organization.


I'm starting to feel relieved now that the hardest part is over. It took us four U-Haul truck loads to move everything. Two of them were basically loose and extra stuff, a lot of plants to move too. But I couldn't believe how much stuff I'd acquired in the last year. Luckily, the new apartment has an open floor plan and a back porch where I can keep some large storage trunks. The backyard is fantastic too! It's nice from the porch but the best view is from the kitchen with its wide sweep of windows over the sink. The spectacular view made itself known to me the very first morning as I trekked into the kitchen across our living room cluttered with boxes and various pieces of furniture. I had three cups of coffee that morning and each time I noticed how the sun's rays highlighted each of the three main portions of our halfway completed retreat. The furthest, the concrete benches and table, was the first to be graced followed by the fire pit. The entire garden revolves visually around this area with its contrast of colors and shapes. The circular pit is lined with red brick and is surrounded by a square of pea gravel and then a square of crushed asphalt. All of this is softened with a nice border of bugleweed which will hopefully spread out nicely to effectively close off the area without making it feel cramped. And my last cup of joe brought with it a view of the newly finished flower beds. It was a very nice way to start out in my new home. Upon showing my friend and neighbor the view, she decided that Saturday morning coffee time would be at our place. I couldn't be more pleased with the idea.

I suppose I should try to remember that morning whenever I feel stressed, as I do now. We're not completely done finessing the apartment and we will be having a party in two days. And the morning of the party we will be getting a visit from the pest control guy. Apparently, the previous tenant had fleas. I won't go into it. Just suffice it to say that I am ready to relax in my new home without any of the worries that come with a new transition such as this. But I do earnestly look forward to whatever Life has in store for me now. The tension is palpable. I can feel it brewing.